An adult who obeys a mother is not the norm. However, a very frequent phenomenon in the modern world.
Many experts blame the parents. It is said that one of the most important and most difficult tasks of parents is to “release” the children in time, to give them the opportunity to live their life.
And others disagree with them. It is believed that the children themselves are responsible for separation and maturation.
We publish different opinions on this matter.
Psychologist Ekaterina Vashukova tells a case from her practice.
“A 26-year-old girl came with complaints to her parents, who came to visit her and teach them with her husband how to live, what curtains to hang,“ crush their opinions ”, there are cases when they“ stop by for a short time ”without warning. Because of this, the girl has quarrels with both her parents and her spouse. Eugene's parents are successful, wealthy people.They gave the younger daughter an apartment for a wedding, a car, they regularly invite newlyweds to dine in expensive restaurants, give gifts that are necessary in their everyday life. Zhenya has an older sister, Olga, a socially realized person. With a sister, mother and father have a difficult relationship, as Zhenya says, “they sign up for her for a week’s meeting.” Olga is not accepted to give gifts, there was a time when she quarreled with her parents and did not communicate with them for a year. On Zhenya's claims to the excessive care of parents, Olga answered simply and in the case: “They pay you for participation in your life.”
How does excessive care affect children?
Psychologists Marina Pronina and Ekaterina Vashukova explain the consequences of excessive care.
Such stories as Zhenya, millions. The mother tries to directly or indirectly control the life of the child (more often - the youngest) - takes too much care of her, visits her, gives advice and assessments regarding the choice of a partner and the conduct of life. This kind of behavior prevents both the mother herself from accepting and adapting to the new conditions of life, and the child to become independent.
Entering into the life of an adult child every time such an impulse arises, parents reinforce their self-doubt. They give him a non-verbal message that he cannot cope with anything. This causes conflicts not only between parents and child, but also within the framework of a new independent family.
Doom to social “failure”
Qualitatively completed separation affects the social success of the individual. The child still experiences discomfort in connection with the deprivation of parental care, he or she compensates for this with a search for a surrogate family: the labor collective, reliable friends, and finally, partnership. If separation from parents is not complete, the child may have problems with this.
Why don't parents let children go?
It so happens that the parents or one of them unconsciously try to interrupt the natural process of separation. There can be manipulations based on feelings of guilt and pity. Attempts of inappropriate intrusion into the life of a physically separated younger child are possible The reasons are different: the power of habit; parents are afraid for the child, they do not agree with his choice, and the last one is afraid for himself.
In some families, children often play the role of a link between the parents: the growing up of the child (especially the youngest) in this case is a direct threat to marriage. Mom and father have to get used to a new way of life, to master the resulting void, they need to learn to live together again. They have a feeling of depression and emptiness.
And this leads to unconscious manipulations when the child is “held” and not released into adulthood.
2. The children themselves are responsible for the separation.
Psychological therapist Elena Avdeeva believes that separation from the parental family is the task of the child herself.
Separation is a child matter. And if the baby has grown to separation from the family, then no force can hold him. Because nature is still stronger.
Elena Avdeeva is sure that the behavior of the parent is not so important here. You can take to kindergarten in 3 years and view the online cameras in the group all day. You can send a camp at 13 years old and call twice a day.
It is possible and three times, if it reduces the parental alarm. Separation, independence, separation, freedom of the child will not affect it in any way. As soon as an adult child is ready, he will separate and move away himself.
Elena Avdeeva is sure that the behavior of the parent is not so important here. You can take to kindergarten in 3 years and view the online cameras in the group all day. You can send a camp at 13 years old and call twice a day. It is possible and three times, if it reduces the parental alarm. Separation, independence, separation, freedom of the child will not affect it in any way. As soon as an adult child is ready, he will separate and move away himself.
But then the children in the family grew up, and the son entered the surgical specialty of a medical higher school not anywhere, but to Canada. And her daughter became a designer and got married. And there was no infantilism or lack of independence due to the presence of a nanny and round-the-clock duty of the mother. Just rr-time! - have grown and separated.
Why all? Because separation is not a parent task.
Why all? Because separation is not a parent task.
However, it is obvious that in the relationship “parent” and “child” there are two sides. And parents need to learn how to behave properly, so that the child has a chance to grow up and find his place in this world.
1. There are no optimal terms or universal markers of maturation of the child.There is no "good" number of calls to the child in the camp. There is respect for him and acceptance of him as an independent family member. And there are suitable phrases to communicate with him:“I miss!”, “I'm worried!”, “I’m worried, I decided to call you!”, “Talk to me, please!”, “I’m sorry I disturbed you!”, “I’m waiting for our meeting!”, “ I love you!".
It’s not very common for us to talk in such terms with children. But if this is made the norm in his family, then the difficult process of separating the child will be a little easier for him and for the parent, who has no choice but to constantly adapt to the changing, growing, growing up son or daughter.
2.To be conscious and try to seek other interests and activities in the new life stage. Let this event unite and not separate you from the child. Try to experience the pleasure of joint activities with your spouse, from socializing with old friends, traveling, reading literature in the evening under the rug.Perhaps the time will come when you will help your adult children raise your grandchildren, and now just find a lesson.