Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

Children are angry, angry, frustrated, no less than adults. But adults are not always ready to accept the negative emotions of children. It’s easier for us to shame, ban, punish a child than to recognize the right to express anger, and teach him to do it right.

It would seem, why encourage the manifestations of childish anger? After all, the demonstration of negative emotions, anger of children - these are the first steps to aggression.
It turns out the opposite. The feelings and emotions of the child, which he was able to realize, accept and live, pass away without causing harm either to the child himself or to his relationships with others. And the emotions that have to be driven inside, because they are “wrong” and “unauthorized”, emerge somewhat later in the form of diseases, somatic processes and psychological complexes.
The psychologist Katerina Demina tells how important it is to teach a child to recognize and control his emotions.

Preparatory group of kindergarten, playground, winter

Julia (stepping on Sasha and clutching a shovel in her hand):
- Why don't you play with me ?! I want to be friends with you!
Sasha (hiding her head in the shoulders and retreating to the veranda):
- Yulia, I can't be friends with you today.
Julia (vigorously waving a shovel):
- And I want! Let `s play!
Sasha (almost crying and looking around for support):
- I will not! I have a headache.
Julia stomps her feet and waves a shovel. At this point, I found it possible to intervene.
- Julia, - I said, - I think you are very angry.
- Not! - Julia exclaimed menacingly and stamped her foot for greater persuasiveness. I am not angry! I just want to be friends.

What's wrong with our malice

In our culture is not taken angry. Especially girls. Especially open. The administration shouts - it is angry, the woman squeals - it is capricious.

You can grumble, mumble, whine, insert hairpins and sulk. You can take offense. In severe cases, a direct insult to the interlocutor is allowed (“Dura full!”), But you can not shout for anything, as in American films: “I hate you!”. Not accepted.
Because the angry, angry, aggressive individual of the female is very scary.Only those who have nothing left to lose can afford it, for whom the label "psychotic bitch" will not change anything in destiny. Our dear Julia and Sasha simply brilliantly demonstrated the whole range of possible reactions.
Judge for yourself. Julia declares her desire: "I want to be in contact with you." Imagine in her place a drunken spouse who came home late (late — because at that moment Sasha was playing with other girls) and demanding anything from dinner to sex. Requires rough, without preliminary caresses and strokes. Not a flower for you, not even a ritual: "Honey, how was your day?". On his side is power and authority. Well, or fantasy, that power and power on his side.
In response, Sasha takes the position of "weak and defenseless": I feel bad, I have a headache, sorry. That is, instead of besieging the boor, to show that she is not afraid of him, in the end, just calmly call for dialogue, Sasha is hiding in a disease. It is also "accepted": to refuse her husband under the pretext of a headache. It has become so stamped that it’s not even funny.
But Julia does not retreat, she is angry more, turns purple and is ready to use force.It’s just amazing where the kids take it all from. After all, if we can show this scene to parents, they are not for anything in the world do not recognize the faces in the current itself.

Where does anger come from and what to do with it

Why did Julia start to attack in stride? Because she was already spoiled the mood, right here in the morning. We can not wake up in time, perhaps she herself sick, but do not realize it. There is a version that it was some sort of a plan for a walk: to build a house Sasha, for example. And Sasha was intercepted by other girls. And she got angry. And instead of shouting all over the street: “Sasha, I was waiting for you so much, and you are playing with others!”, Yulia is trying to keep propriety. That is, trying to hide his anger and speak politely. Only the text does not coincide with non-verbal, bodily messages: in the language of "let's be friends", but in the body "I want to hit you."

Since humankind acquired speech (words) much later than sign language, we all react first to them. On gestures. On a pose, on a mimic, on intonation. You can hiss: "My dear!" - And dear will prefer to linger at work, just not to hear and not see these declarations of love. And you can call your child Monster, and he will be absolutely happy, moreover, it may even be presented by this nickname. Because the main thing - tone, posture, gestures.Even hugging a child can be so that he will either choke or purr.
With Julia everything is clear, let's look closely at Sasha. Sasha - a small, fragile, with huge eyes, low voice, a copy of his mother. When she was three years old, I worked with her about the many fears taken from her mother. Previously, her mother did not work and was afraid of everything in the world. Last year, she went to work, and life began to improve: her voice changed, her pleading and aching intonations disappeared, she learned to answer: "No, just no." And Sasha, too, has gotten a little stronger, sometimes even leads in the group (in the absence of “senior in rank”). But she responds to the standard attack situation in the standard way: if you can, comfort the aggressor, adjust to it, eliminate it; if it fails, it flees.

My practice as a family therapist says that in this way the aggressor is not appeased, they only become impudent.

Read also:How to cope with children "Well, kupiii!" And teach a child to manage money: the successful experience of mom-psychologist

How to express anger, and why to do it

I suggested to Julia: “Let me teach you how to be angry. Look at me! Make a "brutal" face.The most evil, what you just can. No, not so, no need to pull the muzzle, just grinning your teeth, wrinkling your nose, frowning eyebrows and straining all the muscles. Here, right. And now - roar. Just without words, low sound from the middle of the abdomen, roar: "Rr-r!".

Julia growls diligently, she does. And now we’ll also add legs, come on, Yul, stamp your feet with your legs. Squeeze your hands into fists, but do not swing them like a mill, and shake near the body, as if threatening. And add a little more sound: "Aaaaaaaaah!"
More children came up to us while they were just watching. Why are we doing nothing? Well, got up in a semicircle and all together: “Rr-r! How angry I am! I'm just going to burst with anger! ” The teacher interested pulls up. But the topic doesn’t care at all of all children, most of them continue their games.
And rightly so: not everyone has difficulty expressing feelings. Pay attention: this anger has no direction. We talk only about ourselves and our feelings, no one rushes at anyone, so everyone is safe. Compare the two fierce cries: “I hate you!” And “I hate you!”. Simply - “I hate”, it is not known whom. When a person speaks about himself, it does not offend others.

The whole training lasts no more than three minutes. But it's done, Julia is clearly “let go”, she is relaxed, rosy, breathing easily. Suddenly, Sasha comes up to her, looks into her eyes and calmly says: “Let's go to the house?”. The rest also diverge.

What have we done? We lived emotion body. We did not attack anyone, did not throw fists, did not shout: "You are a smelly freak!". We first realized our feeling (“I am very angry”), called it and allowed our body to react. All this - on the spot. As the saying goes, "no animals were hurt during the shooting."
After the emotion is realized, named and lived in the body, it leaves. If we do not do this, we start to hurt, clamps and painful blocks appear in the body, we have to swallow pills and go for a massage. The main cause of headaches in both children and adults is tension in the back of the neck, caused by suppressed aggression.

If you are angry: how to live anger correctly

  • tell yourself: “I am terribly angry!”;
     
  • inhale deeply with your nose, clench your fists, tighten your muscles, especially your shoulders, forearms and facial muscles. Make a "brutal" face;
     
  • if possible, exhale with a growl, trying to push the sound down, as if from the abdomen, rather than the vocal cords;
     
  • if not - just noisy, exhale with effort, also down;
     
  • and relax your muscles.
     

Even from the most responsible meeting you can always jump into the toilet. And rummage there. I guarantee: it works. And the head will not hurt.

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  • Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

    Teach your child to be angry: why you can not ignore the negative emotions of children

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